Damn you Ebay...Damn you!

Once again Ebay has come to bite me in the ass :(


I won the most wonderfully beautiful pair of Nike shox for 23 dollars the other night including shipping. They were silver and pink and all kinds of fantastic and they were mine. I waited all week for them to arrive....and nothing came...So I checked ebay again...and reality hit like a bag of potatoes (that's a saying, right?). The seller cancelled the transaction because he listed the wrong size. So now I am currently watching a pair that are ending in 13 minutes...wish me luck!!

Why Worry?

I wonder all the time why worryyyyyy. (Old school AAR right there!)

I got an A on my chemsitry test!!!!! HUZZAH!! Well technically a B. I got an 81. But his grading scale is a little different so an 80-100 is an A!

I'm so happy right now. So. happy.

Life always has a fantastic way of working out. :)

Here Comes the Sun :)

I'm feeling much better now.


^^ that line used to scare the living daylights out of me in the Sixth Sense, yet I found it to be fitting for how I am feeling at this moment. I let myself get overwhelmed by my first chemistry test and I just had to give myself a cold, hard slap in the face to realize that life is too short to stress over a test. I tried as hard as I could for that thest, and now I have a much better idea of how to study for the next one. No harm no foul. What's the point in worrying over a test that I may not have even done that poorly on in the first place.

I am back on track!

Now, off to study for my Physics test tonight!

Oof.

You're swimming in a lake. The water is a little cold, but you know once you give it time that you'll become acclimated. Just gotta push through the beginining. You start swimming at a leisurely pace, stretching your limbs and working up to the speed you're used to. Slowly it becomes apparent that unless you start swimming faster, you'll never get anywhere. The water is getting rough and the current is too strong for you to keep up with. The sinking feeling of realization begins to manifest. You're drowing. You're trying as hard as you can with every fiber of your being to fight it. Thrashing and kicking with all the power you can muster beneath the waves but the water keeps escalading over your head...filling your lungs. Consuming you. You gasp and gulp for air but none of it is sufficient. You can't survive like this.

This. This is how I feel right now. (with a little artistic overexaggeration ;))

Yummy Yummy Yummy I've Got Love in My Tummy

These beauties are from a local cookies store that is immensely popular in my town. Words can not even begin to describe exactly how delicious they were.

Super Dark Chocolate cookies with raspberry sauce. YUM! My mouth is watering in memory of them.

WHAT the WHAT?!!!!

Vh1 100 Greatest Artists of All Time you have done me wrong!!

Queen at 17?!


What the what?!!!

Not that I have a problem with The Beatles, or Michael Jackson or Led Zeppelin being up high. I love all of them too and no one can take away how influential The Beatles have been to....the universe.

But 17!???!?!?!?!?!?

I think Prince could have been pushed back a couple steps....ah well life goes on ;)

p.s. Was that not a really awkward Mtv Award show? Though that stage was AMAZING. Props there ;).

Hot Tamale!

Today (well we started yesterday) me and my roommate (mostly my roommie) made tamales! And boy were they delish! Just a little time consuming braising the pork. But it was soooooooo good that it was totally worth it! I would put the recipe here so that I could replicate it or let you guys..but my room mate winged it off of several recipes he had researched. Once I pick his brain a little I'll post it here :)

We went to the annual art festival downtown today and while most of the art is unfortunately just overpriced...how should I put this nicely...clutter? Nothing that really "spoke" to me. There was a cajun food place that we tried alligator and crawfish. While it was ridiculously overpriced, the alligator was actually pretty good!

We also decided while working on our pork that we are going to make candles out of pork fat and call them "mancandles." They will soon be coming to a Wal*Mart near you ;)

Hope you all are having a fantastic weekend!!

p.s. Listening to the new Brandon Flowers cd. Kind of disappointed. And by kind of I mean very. :(

P.S. Revisited

I am going to try to get back to posting fun blogs on this blog too instead of only on my other one. I promise! Maybe I can also turn this one into my food/ trying to live healthier blog too....hmm hmm


oh and stumpleupon.com is my new favorite site. IN ZE WORRRLD!

also..for the record...I haven't played petville in ages. AGES! I'm pretty sure my pup is dead...:(

Huzzah!

It's Friday, bitches!!

I'm am sooo beyond excited for this weekend. Not even that I have all that much planned I just felt extremely burnt out this week for no apparent reason. So to have a nice little break will be fantastic :)

My roomie is making some delicious smelling braised pork. I probably smelled braised wrong. But that's not important. (right?). Seriously the apartment smells amazing.

Also I am extremely proud of myself! I saw some pretty adorable flats today. Only pair left. my size. Pastel/mint green. With ruffles and studs. 5 dollars. And I passed them up. Why you may ask? I feel like I give into my shopping urges too often. I need to learn that it's okay to walk away from some things sometimes...even if they are ridiculously amazing details if they aren't really a necessity.

...as I write this of course I'm already thinking of how I'm going to find a way back to there to snag them up....It's goign to take some time!

Soooo yeah. That's all for now. There is a boy in several of my classes (Chem lecture, Chem Lab, Animal Behavior Lecture, Animal Behavior Lab) who is not cute but I know really likes me. And he's soo clingly. I feel really bad. We don't agree on ANYTHING though. I don't know what I'm going to do. He keeps trying to hang out more and more outside of class and I have to keep coming up with excuses not to hang out with him and..it's just bad. I've tried to make it blatently obvious that I only view him as a friend and have talked about several of my guy friends in front of him to make him think I'm interested in them so maybe he would back off but it's not workingggg.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I guess it's a good problem to have. When I'm not beating the boys away with a stick is when I should start worrying ;) Am I right? (Holler!)

p.s.

I notice in my last blog before summer that I mention the Cavs. So I just want to make one thing very clear.

CLEVELAND DON'T NEED NO LEBRON JAMES TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP!

We got this.

That is all.

Time is a funny funny thing

Wow. I can't believe it's been sooooo long since my last post I mean I know I updated about moving into the apartment but my entire summer went undocumented...So so soooo much has changed. But at the same time the cycles are still the same. Especially this summer I wish I would have taken more time to write down what I was feeling/doing. Obviously I've started a new semester at school and it feels pretty crazy to be a junior now. I'm an upperclassman?! What the WHAT?! I feel like the closer it comes down to my last couple semesters the more scared I get. What am I going to do after college? I feel like I need to go to grad school...do internships...get lab research under my belt. Something! The classes, as frustrating as they can be, are still a safety net for me. I don't know what I'll do when they stop...But I still have some time to try to figure things out :)I think I might try and meet with my advisor.... oof ::begin stress buildup:: lol I guess I just feel like there is some sort of countdown running until I have to become a full fledged "adult" and I don't think that I am quite ready for that yet...

I guess there's a lot that needs to be caught up....

I ended up working for my AM this summer which was a super, massive, enormous blessing. I honestly don't know what I would have done had she not been able to fit me in! THANK JEBUS!! I was working on a "special project" for the company that sshe works for and it was pretty easy and straightforward. Huzzah for that!

Overall though this summer was pretty....awful. But I'm glad it happened! It was...a good kind of awful (yes, that does make sense...in my head at least). Not too long after that last post before summer my AN who has breast cancer started getting pretty bad. She was diagnosed in 2004 with stage 4 and beat it for a long time and was in remission for awhile. Unfortunately it came back and spread to her brain....After that I guess there wasn't a whole lot that could be done. I remember the last time I saw her... It was at my cousins (her daughters) graduation party from college (for her masters) and she seemed so tired and weak and fragile. I'd never seen her in that condition before, even when she was in the midst of her worst treatments from her first bout. I could tell then that this was a different kind of battle. I guess you never really think that when you see someone or say goodbye it could be for the last time. I remember I gave her a kiss and hug and told her to get some sleep and rest (she may have taken my advice a little to literally >.>) (I know that's awful but humor is how I cope.)

July 2 she passed. It's a shame you never realize how much you love or appreciate someone until they're gone. I don't even know if there are words to describe how I felt. A couple nights earlier the hospital had called to tell us to come down and say our goodbyes because she probable didn't have much longer. It was on a Tuesday night so my parents wouldn't let me go because I had to work the next day and they didn't want me to see her like that. I don't know if I've ever cried that hard before in my life. The feeling of emptiness and helplessness overtook every fiber of my being. A feeling I would never wish on my worst enemy. She was 53.

I'm pretty sure I cried more that week than I have in my entire life combined. The wake was...hard to say the least. I remember the drive to the funeral home. The nauseous feeling in my stomach. Walking into the room and the minute that I passed the threshold tears started pouring from my eyes...Seeing my UM, CA, CH...It was too much. I remember the way UM (her husband) said "It's alright...she's better now.." something about the way he said it sounded so sincere, and it resonated through my mind the rest of the night. I feel like in every family there is one person who is a particularly strong driving force in keeping the family close. This person in my family was my AN. All the parties were over her house...she did a lot of planning ect. Nothing about the situtaion seemed fair.

She never got to see her children have grandkids, or get married. She became that person in old photographs that people ask about and you say they died young from cancer. Not only me but all my cousins and her children have to leave most of there life without knowing her/having her there. Just become a collection of memories.

I feel like funerals are a good portrait into families though, and even though the circumstances were awful it just made me realize how much I appreciate and love everyone in my family. I loved catching little moments and interactions between family members that I don't think I'll forget and will cherish for a great while.

I've learned a lot about who I am/where I want to be/what I want to do from this though. and I've questioned a lot of what I was doing before...

Why do I go out of my way so much to make people happy and appeasing others when it doesn't make me happy. Do things I don't want to do because they want to or stray from things I desire because they don't.

Why do I keep holdign on to relationships with old friends who's time has long past, making me miserable at times?

Why don't I just do what I want to do?When I want to do it.

On top of all of that dealing with my mother's mental disorders has been physically and mentally exhausting. I just don't know what to do and hate the fact that I don't even feel like I know her....I also hate the fact that the more I learn about it, the more I find myself thinking sometimes that I would just rather be without her for awhile.

I love my mother. to bits adn pieces. but she needs help and is unwilling to do anything about it....I don't want to go into too much detail here but I remember dreading the ride home from work everyday....

So this post was long and rambling and sad but I guess I felt I had to get it out of the way before I could get to the fun stuff again :). I will not let anything hold me down. What doesn't kill you make you stronger (holler!)