Wow. I can't believe it's been sooooo long since my last post I mean I know I updated about moving into the apartment but my entire summer went undocumented...So so soooo much has changed. But at the same time the cycles are still the same. Especially this summer I wish I would have taken more time to write down what I was feeling/doing. Obviously I've started a new semester at school and it feels pretty crazy to be a junior now. I'm an upperclassman?! What the WHAT?! I feel like the closer it comes down to my last couple semesters the more scared I get. What am I going to do after college? I feel like I need to go to grad school...do internships...get lab research under my belt. Something! The classes, as frustrating as they can be, are still a safety net for me. I don't know what I'll do when they stop...But I still have some time to try to figure things out :)I think I might try and meet with my advisor.... oof ::begin stress buildup:: lol I guess I just feel like there is some sort of countdown running until I have to become a full fledged "adult" and I don't think that I am quite ready for that yet...
I guess there's a lot that needs to be caught up....
I ended up working for my AM this summer which was a super, massive, enormous blessing. I honestly don't know what I would have done had she not been able to fit me in! THANK JEBUS!! I was working on a "special project" for the company that sshe works for and it was pretty easy and straightforward. Huzzah for that!
Overall though this summer was pretty....awful. But I'm glad it happened! It was...a good kind of awful (yes, that does make sense...in my head at least). Not too long after that last post before summer my AN who has breast cancer started getting pretty bad. She was diagnosed in 2004 with stage 4 and beat it for a long time and was in remission for awhile. Unfortunately it came back and spread to her brain....After that I guess there wasn't a whole lot that could be done. I remember the last time I saw her... It was at my cousins (her daughters) graduation party from college (for her masters) and she seemed so tired and weak and fragile. I'd never seen her in that condition before, even when she was in the midst of her worst treatments from her first bout. I could tell then that this was a different kind of battle. I guess you never really think that when you see someone or say goodbye it could be for the last time. I remember I gave her a kiss and hug and told her to get some sleep and rest (she may have taken my advice a little to literally >.>) (I know that's awful but humor is how I cope.)
July 2 she passed. It's a shame you never realize how much you love or appreciate someone until they're gone. I don't even know if there are words to describe how I felt. A couple nights earlier the hospital had called to tell us to come down and say our goodbyes because she probable didn't have much longer. It was on a Tuesday night so my parents wouldn't let me go because I had to work the next day and they didn't want me to see her like that. I don't know if I've ever cried that hard before in my life. The feeling of emptiness and helplessness overtook every fiber of my being. A feeling I would never wish on my worst enemy. She was 53.
I'm pretty sure I cried more that week than I have in my entire life combined. The wake was...hard to say the least. I remember the drive to the funeral home. The nauseous feeling in my stomach. Walking into the room and the minute that I passed the threshold tears started pouring from my eyes...Seeing my UM, CA, CH...It was too much. I remember the way UM (her husband) said "It's alright...she's better now.." something about the way he said it sounded so sincere, and it resonated through my mind the rest of the night. I feel like in every family there is one person who is a particularly strong driving force in keeping the family close. This person in my family was my AN. All the parties were over her house...she did a lot of planning ect. Nothing about the situtaion seemed fair.
She never got to see her children have grandkids, or get married. She became that person in old photographs that people ask about and you say they died young from cancer. Not only me but all my cousins and her children have to leave most of there life without knowing her/having her there. Just become a collection of memories.
I feel like funerals are a good portrait into families though, and even though the circumstances were awful it just made me realize how much I appreciate and love everyone in my family. I loved catching little moments and interactions between family members that I don't think I'll forget and will cherish for a great while.
I've learned a lot about who I am/where I want to be/what I want to do from this though. and I've questioned a lot of what I was doing before...
Why do I go out of my way so much to make people happy and appeasing others when it doesn't make me happy. Do things I don't want to do because they want to or stray from things I desire because they don't.
Why do I keep holdign on to relationships with old friends who's time has long past, making me miserable at times?
Why don't I just do what I want to do?When I want to do it.
On top of all of that dealing with my mother's mental disorders has been physically and mentally exhausting. I just don't know what to do and hate the fact that I don't even feel like I know her....I also hate the fact that the more I learn about it, the more I find myself thinking sometimes that I would just rather be without her for awhile.
I love my mother. to bits adn pieces. but she needs help and is unwilling to do anything about it....I don't want to go into too much detail here but I remember dreading the ride home from work everyday....
So this post was long and rambling and sad but I guess I felt I had to get it out of the way before I could get to the fun stuff again :). I will not let anything hold me down. What doesn't kill you make you stronger (holler!)
No comments:
Post a Comment